Read e-book online Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays PDF

Essays

By David Sedaris

ISBN-10: 0316779423

ISBN-13: 9780316779425

Brief tales and essays via an condominium purifier and a well-liked commentator for nationwide Public Radio spotlight the absurd habit of glossy americans, similar to the suburban dad who saves funds via appearing surgical procedure at domestic. Reprint. 25,000 first printing.

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She goes, “I never …” as if her children were not made by human contact but found beneath one of the tires lying in her yard. I took my property out of her hands and told her that if I ever catch her in my bedroom again I will sue her for unlawful entry and then, just for the fun of it, I will hunt her down and crush her empty skull. She slapped me. I couldn’t believe it. She caught me when my guard was down and it still hurts to sleep on the left side of my face. “Nobody has ever talked to me like that,” she said.

I know about the drinking, the drugs, all of it, so I said, “Miiiikkkkeeee,” through my clenched teeth. I kicked him under the table and he kicked back. Mike Tyson is making an ugly face in the “Newsmakers” section of this week’s Newsweek magazine, an ugly face directed toward me. I’m not frightened so much as shamed and concerned. In the picture Mike’s skin seems sallow and blotchy. He looks like he’s been rolling around in an ashtray. Our breakup was hard on him, but whining to the press won’t help.

She held it in her dimpled hands as far away from her bloated body as her arms could reach. ” she says to me, waving the stiff T-shirt before my eyes. I took issue with this and told her that she knows damned well what it is, anyone with five children should know semen when they see it. She goes, “I never …” as if her children were not made by human contact but found beneath one of the tires lying in her yard. I took my property out of her hands and told her that if I ever catch her in my bedroom again I will sue her for unlawful entry and then, just for the fun of it, I will hunt her down and crush her empty skull.

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Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays by David Sedaris


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